Regardless of why a relationship ends, whether it was your decision or your partner’s decision or maybe it was a mutual agreement, it can be a very difficult time. You may have children, pets, or not none of either. You may have been together for many years or perhaps just a short while. Regardless, the question that you may have in your mind is now what? Where do I go from here? How do I adapt to life as a single person? How do I move forward from here?
First things first is that you need to allow yourself time to mourn the loss of your relationship. Regardless who’s decision or what took place, you will still feel a loss. You need to let yourself grieve through this emotional process. You may feel guilt or remorse over what you could have done or what you didn’t do, what you could have said and what you didn’t say. You may replay some aspects over and over in your mind. Remember that this is normal.
Learn to fall in love with who you are. Most importantly during this time because you may have feelings of low self-esteem for a variety of reasons including not being able to make your relationship work. We tend to internalise some things in life at times and make it all about us. But it isn’t and this is not the end of the world. Life goes on and you can happily adjust to life again. You deserve this. You deserve happiness! So during this time, work on building your confidence and talking to yourself in a positive way. You are so worthy of all good things in life. Some people have found that therapy helped them to move on. Others were able to work through it and move forward without therapy. If you feel this would help, don’t hesitate to seek assistance in dealing with your emotions and in learning to move forward in your life.
Learn new things. Take up an activity or a new hobby that you think you may enjoy. Or maybe there are things you enjoyed to do, but your partner didn’t. Maybe your partner liked to always stay at home and you didn’t. Now is the time to rediscover what you once enjoyed all over again. Perhaps you enjoyed long drives, boating, travelling, camping, theatres, listening to a good band etc., but missed out on those. Rediscover you again and what you love. Learn to embrace the idea of change, as long as the change is healthy.
Being alone doesn’t mean ‘Alone’ all the time. Hang out with old friends, be open to making new friends, join a singles group. The transition means that you will get to make all of your decisions on your own, which you haven’t done in a long time. You can choose the restaurant you go to, the band you want to listen to, the meals you make, the concert of your choice, what movies you want to watch and you don’t have to be in an any rush do decide any of it!
Embrace your new role in life. You aren’t alone in the world, and especially when it comes to finding your way and picking yourself back up after a break-up. You deserve happiness and all the beautiful things that life has to offer!
Do you ever feel that you would live a happier and more joyful life if a specific person were not a part of it?
Never is it simple to make the decision to remove somebody from your life. Also, it’s particularly difficult to acknowledge that a family member can also be toxic and a big cause of your emotional and mental pain. So much that you need to make a decision that you just can not keep on having a relationship with them.
For every one of you who are trying to decide if you should discontinue a relationship with a toxic person including a family member, this is for you. It feels that over and over again, you are hurt by this individual. You have attempted vigorously to fix the relationship, but always end up feeling baffled and frustrated that nothing ever changes.
So when is it appropriate and when is it time to end a relationship with someone toxic?
As difficult as this is, there is no one answer. There are many toxic traits and and the severity of them. Toxic individuals can add stress, anxiety and anger to your life by repetitively using bahaviours listed below.
Blowing up often
Discrediting or disregarding your emotions
Undermining your relationship with your companion, kids, or different family members
Belittling you, your dreams or beliefs
Gaslighting (an incredible type of control that makes you question your impression of what’s happening)
Declining to settle or talk about issues
Gossiping about you behind your back
Shouting, reviling, calling you names or making fun
They are always right and you are always wrong
Setting outlandish expectations
Feeling that you should always support them, however they aren’t there to support you when needed
Undermining self destruction or self-hurt so as to get their direction
Destroying occasions and events
Playing the victim always
Never apologising and if they do, it comes off as fake and shallow
Lacking concern or joy for you, your life and your accomplishments
Make people think that it’s ‘You’ and never taking responsibility
While it’s true that many individuals can change, yet it is also true that toxic individuals rarely do. They never like the outer world to think that they did anything wrong and that will never change. Rather, they just continue to find it easier to blame you.
Here are some reasons why we continuously battle to cut binds with someone toxic.
- We love them
We love this person and look past their abusive behaviour, even trying to excuse it is ways. We don’t want to ‘not’ have them in our lives. Even if we cut ties, it doesn’t mean we ever stop loving them.
- Family expectations
We grew up believing that family should always be there for each other, to take care of each other over all and above everything else. If the toxic person in your life is a family member, you may feel a lot of guilt. You’ve always heard that families stick together and should be there for one another. But realise that these expectations are only fair if the relationship is healthy and not continuously toxic, hurtful and harmful to you. Don’t feel selfish for doing what is best for you.
- We fear life without them. We fear change
Fear tends to keep many of us in toxic relationships for too long. To cut ties with someone that has been in your life for a long time can be very sad and scary regardless of the relationship having always been toxic. It seems that sometimes we find it easier to stay with the familiarity of something hurtful than to let it go, even if it is toxic to our lives. This is where you need to give yourself time after cutting ties. Gather a support system that you trust to help you through.
- You have a past together
Some good times and happy memories may be tied to this person. You may even cherish them and some memories. But we all know that love isn’t enough to make a relationship healthy and to make it work, weather it’s a romantic relationship, friendship, parent-child relationship etc. Sometimes we love people, but just can’t continue a relationship with them.
- When you choose to cut ties
It’s not a good feeling having to cut ties with someone you love. Regardless of the situation, we still find it difficult and do not want to hurt them. But saying that, the truth is that continuing to stay in a relationship with someone who continues to be selfish and toxic and is unhealthy for you and for your well being regardless how long you have pondered about this decision.
Remember that staying in a relationship and feeling all that comes with a toxic relationship can affect the life of your children and your partner and everyone around you also.